Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Brown the ground beef, breaking it into small crumbles. Drain excess grease if needed, leaving about 1 tablespoon in the pan for flavor.
Add the onion and garlic. Cook 3–4 minutes until softened.
Add the cabbage slaw. It'll look like way too much at first — keep stirring. Within about 5–7 minutes it will shrink by roughly half.
Stir in the Worcestershire, mustard, tomato paste, and beef broth. Add all seasonings. Cook another 4–5 minutes until most of the liquid has reduced.
Reduce heat to low. Stir in the cream cheese until completely melted, then fold in the shredded cheddar until smooth and creamy. Taste and adjust seasoning.
Serve immediately. Top with burger sauce, diced pickles, sesame seeds, and green onions.